April 26, 2005

Borowitz: Church and State Replaced by Sturch

Filed under: Random Stuff — Bob Gifford @ 6:04 am

From Andy Borowitz:

SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE VANISHES, REPLACED BY NEW ENTITY CALLED STURCH

Will Offer Salvation, Motor Vehicle Renewals on Sunday

> The separation of church and state, long considered a hallmark of American democracy, vanished early Sunday morning, replaced by a new institution called sturch.

Scientists at the Clausen Observatory at the University of Minnesota, who for years have been monitoring a widening hole in the wall separating church and state, said that the wall disappeared entirely on Sunday morning shortly after 8:00 (EST).

“We first noticed the hole in the wall developing about four years ago,” said the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon. “But now it’s pretty much no wall and all hole.”

While the exact shape and dimensions of the new church-state entity, sturch, remain to be determined, President Bush today installed as its official leader the Reverend Bill Frist (R-Tenn), the star player in this week’s “Justice Sunday” broadcast.

At a formal swearing-in ceremony at the former White House, now called the Big White Cathedral, Rev. Frist said that jettisoning the wall between church and state would benefit all Americans “except those who are anti-faith, and they know who they are.”

He added that by combining the two traditionally separate institutions, sturch would allow congregants to seek salvation and motor vehicle renewals on Sunday without leaving their pews.

As for the longstanding debate over taxing places of worship, Rev. Frist said, “Since sturch is part of the government, it will be collecting taxes, not paying them, thank you very much!”

7 Comments

  1. Dear Bob:

    Now Bob, as a former Stewardship chair at my church I can see some positives about the breaking down the barrier between church and state. First, with the advent of Sturch the IRS can provide internet access to congregation member tax returns and church councils everywhere can tell if members are really tithing or not. Also, the NSA can now provide tape recordings to all telephone calls in and out of the church office. Now, arent those improvements?

    Compello decuma ergo sum,
    Levi

    Comment by Levi, Alphaes Filius — April 27, 2005 @ 10:58 am

  2. Dear Bob:

    Is the seperation of church and state really a bad idea? With the advent of Sturch there are endless possibilities. For example, the IRS can provide congregation stewardship comittees internet access to member tax returns and we can see who really is tithing after all. Plus, in place of a tax return option for donating to political campaigns, we could instead give contributions to our church on the 1040 form. Now is that all that bad?

    As a former Stewardship comittee chair, I can see many advantageous to Sturch that left wing naysayers need to contemplate before giving poor Rev. Frist such a hard time.

    Decuma Compello ergo sum,
    Levi, Alphaes Filius

    Comment by Levi, Alphaes Filius — April 27, 2005 @ 11:07 am

  3. Well, I don’t know much latin. But, I do beleive that there has never been a separation of
    Church and State. Only the mutual protection of one from the other. The fact is that the
    Church and the State are both made up of people. It is imposible to separate people from
    their gods. As it is now both the Church and the State are firmly intwined with their many
    gods.

    Comment by Daivd Kear — April 27, 2005 @ 6:53 pm

  4. David – I think you are confusing the institutions with the people that make them up. The institutions of church and state have definitely been separate in the US, as required by the constitution. That doesn’t mean that the people in churches and in government don’t or can’t serve both.

    Comment by Bob — April 28, 2005 @ 1:24 pm

  5. Levi – Communion at the DMV while you wait to take your driver’s test. If you are unemployed or retired, instead of getting a check, you take money out of the collection plate instead of putting it in. The possibilities are endless!

    (btw, my blogging software catches some comments as potential spam and requires my approval before they’re posted, so sometimes you have to be a bit patient).

    Comment by Bob — April 28, 2005 @ 1:34 pm

  6. Sturch is my new favorite word! Thanks for the post!!

    Comment by Lefty — April 28, 2005 @ 9:40 pm

  7. Great post, the possibilities are endless. I am also reminded of other State Churches (maybe like Norway, which many of us are familar
    with). It always appeared to me that the clergy were civil servants the same as the garbage colletor or the mail delivery person, only
    not quite as useful. After all you needed mail delivery almost once a day and garbage collection once a week. You needed the clergy
    juat a few times a year: baptism, confirmation, weddings, funerals and if nothing else came up a nice service on Christmas Eve. I never
    noticed that the churches or the clergy in Norway were getting rich from the taxpayer, in fact quite the opposite, the government gave
    them enough money to get by on, and that was it. Think of what may happen to the megachurches in this country once the government
    bureaucratsstarts asking why something that big is needed.

    Comment by Leif Hatlen — April 29, 2005 @ 4:35 am

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