August 18, 2005

The Theory of Intelligent Falling

Filed under: Random Stuff — Bob Gifford @ 4:19 pm

Given my recent posts on Intelligent Design, both serious and satirical, I can’t resist blogging on a piece from that outstanding journal of high-brow nonsense, The Onion. Bruce at Mainstream Baptist points to The Onion article on the new evangelical theory of “Intelligent Falling”. Choice excerpts:

Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

“Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, ‘God’ if you will, is pushing them down,” said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.


“Let’s take a look at the evidence,” said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden.”In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, ‘And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.’ He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, ‘But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.’ If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling.”

“Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the ‘electromagnetic force,’ the ‘weak nuclear force,’ the ‘strong nuclear force,’ and so-called ‘force of gravity,'” Burdett said. “And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus.”

The scary thing is that I don’t really find that last paragraph all that satirical!


  1. I don’t know but what I’m prepared to believe it. After all, it would go
    a long way to explain why:
    a. The post-it note never falls out of sight until five minutes before the
    arrival of the person who is supposed to read it;
    b. The glass jar of jelly, (or anything else that will both 1) break, and
    2) make a mess does not fall from the table until one has walked out of arm’s
    3) Objects which fall off a desk always roll under it to a place where one
    must assume a posture like the ’50s air-raid-drill position, (highest part
    of the body is the butt); before giving up and just moving the desk. (It
    goes without saying that the frequency of this is in direct proportion to the
    weight of the desk.)

    Think awhile, and I’ll bet you’ll find your own examples. My only quibble is
    that the word should be “Malevolent,” not “Intelligent.” This and the
    related Theory of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects may do little to
    comfort us Judeo/Christian/Islamics; but it must greatly hearten the Satanists!

    Comment by BobW — August 19, 2005 @ 4:56 pm

  2. BobW – lol! Yes, the higher intelligence behind gravity does seem to have a perverse sense of humor.

    Comment by Bob — August 19, 2005 @ 7:24 pm

  3. What’s funny is that David Simpson (creator of the Ozy & Millie and I Drew This comics) game up with the idea in an I Drew This strip months ago. Apparently they both came up with it independently. No hurt feelings were involved, which is always good. Both sides took the situation extremely well.

    Comment by Tom — August 20, 2005 @ 11:49 pm

  4. There is a petition to teach Intelligent Falling at

    Comment by Andreas Keller — September 17, 2005 @ 3:48 pm

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