October 25, 2005

The Onion: What Idiot Wrote These 10 Commandments?

Filed under: Random Stuff — Bob Gifford @ 10:49 am

The Onion, the great satirical spin-off from Harvard, has an opinion piece on the Ten Commandments.

You keep hearing about these Ten Commandments on television, all the religious fundamentalist types saying, “Let’s put them up in the courthouse, let’s hang them up in the schools, etc., etc.” They seem pretty determined to make the Ten Commandments the law of the land, so I figured, as a responsible citizen, I should bone up on them.

sarcasm warningI cracked the wife’s Bible the other night and let me tell you, after all the hoopla about these 10 magical rules, I expected a lot better.

Take the first commandment, for example. It says you shouldn’t believe in any gods besides God. No gods besides the one, eh? Okay, I can agree with that. […]

Then it goes on more about God. “Don’t believe in any other gods,” it says. “Don’t worship graven images of God, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.”

One tip I would give this writer is to lay off the God stuff. Or at least dial it back a little bit. And you’re not impressing anybody with the Dr. Seuss language.

After all that jazz about God, the author just keeps on going: “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain” is the next one. What is it with this guy and God? I’m beginning to think he’s one of these church types. Where’s the stuff we can use? Where’s “No pushing”? Or “Bag your leaves so they don’t blow around in your neighbor’s yard?” And don’t even get me started on right-of-way. Didn’t they have real problems back in Bible days?

I know, it’s perhaps a little bit blasphemous (although I suppose there’s no such thing as a “little bit blasphemous” — either it is or it isn’t). But hey, God has a sense of humor — just look at the platypus.


  1. I believe God has a sense of humor. If He didn’t, we wouldn’t either I don’t think. And, I think you saw the same Robin Williams special I did years ago? 😉

    Comment by Angel — October 25, 2005 @ 11:48 am

  2. No I didn’t, not that I remember, but I’m sure I heard that platypus joke someplace…is it his?

    Comment by Bob — October 25, 2005 @ 1:06 pm

  3. Actually, the platypus joke has been around for a long time and crops up in numerous places. The most recent reappearance of it would probably be in the “disclaimer” at the beginning of Kevin Smith’s movie, “Dogma.” Which is my favorite version of that joke, because it goes on to add a postscript apologizing to any “platypus afficionados” they might have offended with that comment.

    Comment by Jarred — October 25, 2005 @ 1:08 pm

  4. Years ago, I believe it was Robin’s first HBO Special, he did God creating the platypus. he was talking about how God must have a sense of humor and just had to be partaking of pot at the time, considering that he mixed a duck and a beaver and came up with the platypus. 🙂

    Comment by Angel — October 25, 2005 @ 2:59 pm

  5. Why don’t people ever mention the Hammerhead shark? I cannot
    help but laugh whenever I see a picture of one of those things!

    Comment by wildwest — October 25, 2005 @ 4:26 pm

  6. How God sees the platypus and the hammerhead shark might be different than how we see them.

    Comment by Bryan Eckhardt — October 26, 2005 @ 1:44 pm

  7. Oops, mistype.

    How humans see the platypus and the hammerhead shark may be different from how God see them.

    Comment by Bryan — October 26, 2005 @ 1:46 pm

  8. The Onion a spin-off from Harvard? Jeez, what planet are you living on?

    There is Onion lameness and Harvard lameness, but never do the two meet. If the Onion originates anywhere, it’s with some Big Ten state school, most likely Univ of Wisconsin in Madison. Check it out!

    Comment by sallie parker — October 29, 2005 @ 8:39 am

  9. I stand corrected. I guess I was getting it confused with the National Lampoon. For all the details on The Onion, see http://www.answers.com/topic/the-onion

    Comment by Bob — October 29, 2005 @ 11:44 am

  10. you guys are missing the point what he is trying to say is that the 10 commandments are a waist of time and that modern ethics should be intergrated in to the original 10. like “don’t fly planes in to buildings.” “healthy is the only way.” they need updateing.

    Comment by digos — October 30, 2005 @ 9:46 pm

  11. The platypus joke was actually first an Aboriginal story about a giant Frog that drank all the water in Australia, the othe animals tried to make it laugh to spit up the water, but it didn’t laugh until it saw the platypus

    Comment by James — September 10, 2006 @ 2:34 am

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