January 25, 2005

Spongebob Admits to Hermaphroditism

Filed under: Random Stuff — Bob Gifford @ 7:45 pm

sad_spongebobBikini Bottom — In an emotional press conference today, Mr. Spongebob Squarepants divulged for the first time that he is, in fact, a hermaphrodite. “I wanted to keep my sexuality private, but given all the accusations lately that I’m homosexual, I just had to come clean” he stated in a tearful statement. “I’m a sponge, and sponges are hermaphrodites. I didn’t choose to be both male and female, that’s just the way God made me” the cartoon character said. Mr. Squarepants asserted that he is a member of the Phylum Porifera that is able to reproduce both sexually and asexually. When reproducing sexually, each individual produces both sperm and eggs, although at different times.

When contacted for his reaction, James Dobson stated that “hermaphroditism is a choice. Squarepants has chosen to be a hermaphrodite, and is trying to seduce our children into the hermaphroditic lifestyle.” Dr. Dobson has begun lobbying President Bush for an amendment to the Constitution requiring asexual reproduction for all poriferans. He has also started a program to cure sea sponges and other invertebrates of hermaphroditism.

During the press conference, a reporter asked Patrick, a member of the Phylum Echinodermata and a constant companion of Mr. Squarepants, whether he too was a hermaphrodite. “No way” he said, insisting that he was exclusively male, but in fact preferred asexual reproduction. “Want to see me chop an arm off and watch it re-grow?” he asked.

12 Comments

  1. Hilarious.

    Comment by Susan — January 25, 2005 @ 9:55 pm

  2. ROFL!

    Comment by ChaliceChiq — January 26, 2005 @ 7:31 am

  3. The Voice of Reason.
    From Davey Jones’ Locker.

    Comment by Osama_Been_Forgotten — January 26, 2005 @ 10:34 am

  4. You liberals are making entirely too big a deal about this. 🙂

    Comment by Jack — January 27, 2005 @ 8:05 am

  5. Jack, I know we are…its just so tempting to joke about it, its too hard to resist!

    Comment by Bob — January 27, 2005 @ 11:08 am

  6. Your humorous piece is assuming that James Dobson condemned SpongBob, which he DID NOT.
    I heard & saw the interview. It had nothing to do with SpongBob. Here is the link
    explaining what REALLY took place.
    http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0035339.cfm

    Comment by David — January 28, 2005 @ 10:03 am

  7. Well written and humorous but David is right. Dobson’s concern is about those who coop Bob’s
    image to assert their own message. Just check out source Family.org

    Comment by Joe — January 29, 2005 @ 6:57 am

  8. Yes, yes, I understand. Please see my later post on this topic.

    -Bob

    Comment by Bob — January 29, 2005 @ 5:28 pm

  9. Only time will tell, we’ll have to wait and see.

    Comment by exercising picture pregnant women — March 7, 2005 @ 12:25 am

  10. The pseudo-press release is hilarious on it’s own. After reading what ‘apparently’ was typical media oversensationalism(good word,huh?), I hope Dr Dobson can get a laugh as well. I understand his point about a group(any group)hijacking a commercial figure. I wonder if SpongeBobs lawyers are going after the possible copyright infringments?

    Comment by ken — September 5, 2005 @ 6:19 pm

  11. g2 lending tree

    Comment by g2 lending tree — October 27, 2005 @ 9:57 pm

  12. very funny. I agree with Dobson in some respects, but I also disagree. I hate to say it but political agendas have always been a part of school systems. I also think that God would want to promote tolerance of diversity (which, despite Dobson’s remarks, teaches a valuable lesson that is not exclusive to homosexuality). Simply put, if God wanted everyone like-minded and the same, they would be.

    Comment by vince — February 1, 2006 @ 11:40 am

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